Explanations (March 2007)

Well, I guess I owe some of you some explanations and also feel ready to explain the way things are.

More and more of you seem to being finding out that I am gay. Some of you from me, some from friends and some just from the grapevine. Well to put an end to it all yes I am and I thought I would give you a little insight to what has been happening behind the scenes. I have had boyfriends and just let me make it clear that it wasn’t any of them who turned me it is just the way I am.

I have known deep down for years that something wasn’t right. I just didn’t feel the same way about guys that my friends did. I remember when I was about 12 or 13 and I had a crush on a girl – it scared the hell out of me! I got my teenage magazines out and started reading them and put it down to part of growing up and just forgot about it – however I know now that it was more than just growing up. I have had my fair few crushes on girls but just but it to the back of my mind and concentrated on the male species after all I was straight!!

The past couple of years have been torture and the best years of my life all rolled into one. I fought with the idea of being gay and really didn’t like it. It scared me. I used to panic and think what would I do if I were gay?! Not only that but I also had to fight with the idea of being a gay Christian which was even harder. I have prayed so many times that God would make me straight. It never happened. I got angry with God. Why was this happening to me? Why did I have to be gay? If he loves me why won’t he make me straight and normal? Did he want me to be unhappy? I fell in and out with God.

After praying and reading the Bible I gave up. I came to the conclusion that I was gay although wasn’t too pleased with the idea. This would mean my family would disown me, my friends would hate me, my church would reject me and most importantly God would turn his back on me. I started to seriously question the Bible and joined GCN (gay Christian network) they helped me a lot and offered their unconditional support, which was a great relief to me! I read into the clobber passages and took into account context. Some of my friends on GCN helped me understand it and I finally began to make my own judgements instead of following the crowd.

But, I will still beating myself up about it. I realised that after all this time, praying, and reading the Bible I never actually listened to God…I was asking all these questions and never hung around for answers! It’s almost funny! So I settled down and said to God “Ok now’s your chance…” I waited…and waited…and waited. Nothing. Pissed off I put my ipod in and settled down to get some sleep. One of my favourite songs came on Majesty by Delirious. These are the lyrics:

Here I am humbled by your Majesty
Covered by your grace so free
Here I am, knowing I’m a sinful man
Covered by the blood of the Lamb

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

Majesty, Majesty
Your grace has found me just as I am
Empty handed, but alive in your hands
Majesty, Majesty
Forever I am changed by your love
In the presence of your Majesty

Here I am humbled by the love that you give
Forgiven so that I can forgive
Here I stand, knowing that I’m your desire
Sanctified by glory and fire

Now I’ve found the greatest love of all is mine
Since you laid down your life
The greatest sacrifice

One bit jumped out at me “Your grace has found me just as I am” I prayed about it and realised that actually he does love me no matter who I am. Would Jesus, the guy who had ate with tax collectors (scum of the earth at the time), and befriended prostitutes really turn his back on a gay? That’s something for you to make your own mind up on but my answer was certainly not, no.

That was a really weird night, I felt alive, he loved me, and I could be gay. But that was just it. It confirmed my worst nightmare. I was gay and didn’t have an excuse to hide behind anymore. It took a while to come to terms with it, at first I thought I could be bisexual but I now realise that was just another excuse.

For you theologians out there, there are the clobber passages that people insist on throwing at me and I’m quite frankly sick to the back teeth of hearing about them! Do you not think that I have read them!? Picked them apart!? Scrutinised them!?

My view on them is that there is a lot of context that often gets missed. The Bible condemns homosexual acts, as do I…outside of a loving relationship. However I see nothing wrong with a loving, caring, God centred relationship just like that of a man and a wife! Take a step back…zoom out of the whole homosexual issue…look at the world…gender is such a small thing! As far as I, and many other Christians in the world are concerned there is nothing wrong with being gay and Christian. I don’t know about you but I don’t worship God with my genitalia!

In all seriousness I firmly believe that God will bless any Christ centred loving relationship whether that be between a man and a woman, two men or two women.

So basically I am a gay Christian and living proof that they do exist. I have had my fair share of hate mail from Christians but I guess it is something I unfortunately just have to get used too.

My friends have been amazing! It’s when you go through times like these and drop bombshells on them like I have that you really find out who your true friends are. Laura has been unbelievable. When I first told her I was still in the stage of thinking that the whole world would collapse on top of me if people found out. She didn’t bat an eyelid, took it completely in her stride and for that I am so grateful. My family have also been amazing so accepting and loving. My little sister who some of you will know said “Wow…that’s cool!” She’s 12…I think we all have something to learn from her! And finally my friends on GCN have been lifesavers. They have been there to pour my heart out too, to pray for me when I need it and just to have a laugh with. I have made some truly amazing friends on GCN some of which I hope to keep in contact with for a long time!

So yes I am gay…Christian…and loving every minute of it! I can’t wait to start living the life I have been trying to hide for so long.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.